Prom 2016: The Ultimate Gatsby Immersion Experience
satire by chrisviolette'16 of BHS Breaking News
What’s good, BHS. Our friends here at BHS Unleashed have seemingly once again indicated the inferior nature of their newspaper by asking BHS Breaking News to write an exclusive to spruce up this month’s edition of Unleashed. This time, we struck a deal in which Unleashed will wire us $2 for each word under 300 words, and $5 for each subsequent word after that initial 300. I did although have to reluctantly and unfortunately promise that I would not, in any way, shape, circumstance, or form, be even remotely, casually, or fortuitously wordy at any one point in the entirety of this article.
As made evident by Facebook groups, beloved Snapchat stories, and hints of table disputes, the several months of pre-Prom hype have begun. Notably, just a few weeks ago the Prom Committee, with the approval of both the Junior and Senior classes, set their hearts and ambition on a theme: Gatsby. Unbeknownst to most students, the Gatsby theme at Prom this year is going to be more than fake bridges, tiny waterfalls, and sub par drink stands - the 2016 Prom Committee has vowed to make Prom the ultimate Gatsby immersion experience, even if that means a few price hikes here and there.
Keeping with BHS tradition, Prom Committee members plan to maximize the complexity of the traffic pattern (and will in tandem increase the speed limit and the number of bystanders running around the parking lot) on the day of Prom to maximize the probability that accidents will occur, in order to simulate the devastating hit and run that takes place during the climax of The Great Gatsby. Prom Committee members have also indicated that valet will be offered this year, in the form of “throwing a cinder block on your gas pedal.” Additionally, a few days ago, the Prom Committee selected a few seniors to fly out to the infamous Mauna Kea volcano in Hawaii to gather large amounts of ash, which will be scattered in parking lots and hallways to simulate the “Valley of Ashes” in The Great Gatsby (Prom Committee: “Please bring gas masks and geiger counters”).
Twenty minutes of mandatory silence gazing at a gigantic video of eyes at the beginning of the night will be quickly transformed into what the Prom Committee is calling “The Most Lit Night of Your Lives.” That’s right kiddies, prepare to completely and legally turn up in the spirit of Jay Gatsby’s extravagant parties. Following a massive rave featuring 134 flavors of Hawaiian punch and the top 30 singles on iTunes, students will be granted access to all of the exclusive hookah lounges hidden behind staff bathrooms. In addition to catered Chick-Fil-A, ten thousand glow sticks, and water jousting, students will have the opportunity to engage in an all-out “Hungry Hungry Hippos” tournament in the courtyard, featuring live and genetically enhanced hippos which will have been starved for 90 days prior to Prom (Disclaimer: Students will be the balls in the middle).
Unfortunately, the BHS campus will be most likely uninhabitable for 1,000 years after Prom due to the large quantity of radioactive ash needed to create the “Valley of Ashes”, so be sure to get your tickets soon to reserve your spot for this once in a lifetime experience. Per usual, the BHS Breaking News team will be creating a 3D virtual re-creation live stream of Prom using the thousands of Snapchat stories that will be uploaded on Prom night. So please, do take Snapchats of everything and anything you do at Prom, whether that be the river of sweat pouring down your face on the dance floor or your friend being snacked on by a hippo, so that those sitting at home with Star Wars stuffed animals and Chipotle can also partake in the ultimate Gatsby immersion experience.
Stay tuned for more details on Prom and life in Bedford via bhsbreakingnews.wordpress.com and make sure to follow us on Twitter, @BHS_Breaking.
I’ll throw in this sentence for free.
As made evident by Facebook groups, beloved Snapchat stories, and hints of table disputes, the several months of pre-Prom hype have begun. Notably, just a few weeks ago the Prom Committee, with the approval of both the Junior and Senior classes, set their hearts and ambition on a theme: Gatsby. Unbeknownst to most students, the Gatsby theme at Prom this year is going to be more than fake bridges, tiny waterfalls, and sub par drink stands - the 2016 Prom Committee has vowed to make Prom the ultimate Gatsby immersion experience, even if that means a few price hikes here and there.
Keeping with BHS tradition, Prom Committee members plan to maximize the complexity of the traffic pattern (and will in tandem increase the speed limit and the number of bystanders running around the parking lot) on the day of Prom to maximize the probability that accidents will occur, in order to simulate the devastating hit and run that takes place during the climax of The Great Gatsby. Prom Committee members have also indicated that valet will be offered this year, in the form of “throwing a cinder block on your gas pedal.” Additionally, a few days ago, the Prom Committee selected a few seniors to fly out to the infamous Mauna Kea volcano in Hawaii to gather large amounts of ash, which will be scattered in parking lots and hallways to simulate the “Valley of Ashes” in The Great Gatsby (Prom Committee: “Please bring gas masks and geiger counters”).
Twenty minutes of mandatory silence gazing at a gigantic video of eyes at the beginning of the night will be quickly transformed into what the Prom Committee is calling “The Most Lit Night of Your Lives.” That’s right kiddies, prepare to completely and legally turn up in the spirit of Jay Gatsby’s extravagant parties. Following a massive rave featuring 134 flavors of Hawaiian punch and the top 30 singles on iTunes, students will be granted access to all of the exclusive hookah lounges hidden behind staff bathrooms. In addition to catered Chick-Fil-A, ten thousand glow sticks, and water jousting, students will have the opportunity to engage in an all-out “Hungry Hungry Hippos” tournament in the courtyard, featuring live and genetically enhanced hippos which will have been starved for 90 days prior to Prom (Disclaimer: Students will be the balls in the middle).
Unfortunately, the BHS campus will be most likely uninhabitable for 1,000 years after Prom due to the large quantity of radioactive ash needed to create the “Valley of Ashes”, so be sure to get your tickets soon to reserve your spot for this once in a lifetime experience. Per usual, the BHS Breaking News team will be creating a 3D virtual re-creation live stream of Prom using the thousands of Snapchat stories that will be uploaded on Prom night. So please, do take Snapchats of everything and anything you do at Prom, whether that be the river of sweat pouring down your face on the dance floor or your friend being snacked on by a hippo, so that those sitting at home with Star Wars stuffed animals and Chipotle can also partake in the ultimate Gatsby immersion experience.
Stay tuned for more details on Prom and life in Bedford via bhsbreakingnews.wordpress.com and make sure to follow us on Twitter, @BHS_Breaking.
I’ll throw in this sentence for free.